“Dr. McNally told me to leave my husband.”
While reviewing the notes in a patient's chart, I was startled to see that she had said this to another provider. Noooooo, I did not say that!
Allow me to explain.
My patient had complained that her libido wasn't what it used to be, so I asked how long she had been with her partner. It is a fact that one of the best aphrodisiacs is novelty--a new relationship or a new setting. If a couple has been together for more than a few years, I explain that it's normal to not be as sexually eager as they were in the beginning.
Defining what's normal and what's cause for concern is part of my job, but what she heard was “you need a new lover.” Oops. I had clearly failed to communicate my point. No wonder she didn't schedule a follow-up.
Low libido is one of the most common reasons women see their gynecologists--over 30% of women surveyed feel they have low libido. When a woman schedules an appointment for this, it might be cloaked in other terms like “hormone problems” or my favorite catch-all phrase, “something wrong down there.” So is there something wrong down there? That is the first question that needs to be answered.
If you are not able to achieve orgasm, no matter what you try, then something may be wrong down there, and a history and physical exam--especially neurological exam--is important. However for the vast majority of women with sexual issues, it is the desire that is the issue, not the actual functioning, and this is more up there than down there. There is even a medical diagnosis to describe this: Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder (HSDD).
HSDD has strict diagnostic criteria. A woman must have the following for at least 6 months: a lack or diminished desire for sex, either spontaneous or reactive (we will discuss the difference later), and difficulty maintaining interest resulting in either personal or interpersonal distress. This last point is very important. If you or your partner are not upset about this lack of interest, then it is not a problem! Like with so many other relationship issues, what matters is that you are on the same page.
In 2015, the FDA approved a medication to treat HSDD: Flibanserin ("Addyi"). The decision by the FDA to approve this was highly controversial. Depending on who you read and how you interpreted it, it was either a Godsend to women or Big Pharma dictating how women should feel about their sexuality. Some women’s groups felt that it was about time that women’s sexual function was taken as seriously as men’s. I mean, Viagra has been on the market since 1998! Other women’s groups felt that this was driven by men wanting their women to be sexier and more willing.
How do I feel about this medication? I still don’t know, but here are some facts about Flibanserin, also known as Addyi:
Ok, Q&A time. Here are some common questions I get about libido:
"What about testosterone?"
I was taught in my residency that the amount of testosterone needed to improve sexual function would result in a full beard and a heart attack from a spike in cholesterol. Like many of my contemporaries, it takes me a while to change my mind but I am beginning to see value in testing testosterone levels and supplementing if low. This is especially the case for women who no longer have ovaries.
Other possible therapies that have shown promise: Sensate Focus Exercises, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, Mindfulness Meditation. Sure seems easier to take a pill. I get it.
"How can I improve orgasms?"
Kegels exercises can help a lot, the same ones that women use to stop from peeing on themselves. There is also the use-it-or-lose-it school of thought. More sex begets more orgasms, and works the muscles that are intrinsic to orgasm. Work these muscles, and they get stronger. Simple but true.
"What is a normal sex-drive?"
The honest truth is there is no normal. I have women who tell me they have a good sex life, having sex once a month. Others are frustrated because they only have sex 4 times a week. I tell them that seems pretty frequent to me, and they respond that they feel bad because the desire is there only half the time. Which leads to my next point . . .
"I enjoy sex... so why is so difficult for me to get in the mood?"
I went to lecture recently by a renowned sexpert. She told a room of (mainly) female gynecologists that sex can be like exercise. You really don't want to do it, but once you get started, you're glad you went to the gym. (Substitute bed or kitchen table or whatever.) She emphasized that it is okay to not always want it, as long as you're glad you did it. It's okay to sometimes view it as a chore. Don't beat yourself up for thinking that way.
One last thing...
Women and men are different.
Very un-PC but there, I said it. Part of my spiel to reassure women that they are “normal” is explaining that men are better at compartmentalizing their desire and function. For women, if their kids are in trouble at school, or the house is a mess, or they feel fat, or all of the above, it is no-go. For men, their worlds can be falling apart. Maybe it is literally Armageddon, but they still want to go at it. I know this advice mainly applies to hetero couples, but I suspect that some women in same-sex relationships are better at ignoring Armegeddon than their female partners.
Finally, it is important to view sex as intimacy. Maybe you just want to cuddle. Maybe that leads to something more. Maybe it does not. Either way, the run can be as satisfying as the finish line.